Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
