I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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