fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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