I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Congratulations! We have a period
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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