Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
did i just pee glitter
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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