your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
