I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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