That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
