Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
