ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
