she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
