i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
