My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
