I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
