This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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