I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
