You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
