I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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