I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
