i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
