He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
