I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
