I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
