I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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