it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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