I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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