"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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