Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
