I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
