Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
