Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
