btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
