remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
