dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
