Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize