Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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