end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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