im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize