omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
