dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
