Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
