I think I died a long time ago.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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