Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
