we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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