I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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