It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
