Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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