Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
