Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
