My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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