Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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