He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
