i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
All I want is dick and wine.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
