I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
