I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
