Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
