I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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