Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize