Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
