come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Randomize
