i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
