When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
