I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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