I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
