my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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